I could breathe

Does it matter?
Its on paper but it isnt official
at least my parents can see it
though they're still not pleased
Why was I actually top ten this term?
Sorry but I don't think I deserve this

Were they reasons or excuses?
I don't think of the former
Maybe I was pressed
but I'm satisfied


Looking back
Nobody told me it was going to be like this
but its ok
at least I can still barely
turn a sad song to a happy song

So I'm telling myself now
its only going to get worse

I could breathe
I'll give gratitude

just preparing to be prepared
no gaurantees

I still had my morning

I was late for my morning
but it didn't seem to matter
I still had my morning
and it was one of those which I need
so full of yellow
so full of happy

walking
walking
I guessed it really helped
havent felt this good in awhile


My neck had a tie
it was the only neck with one
they're all jumping at it
being different isn't being wrong


they couldnt see

my pocket had a second tie
this tie....
I brought it for luck
It isnt mine
I want one for myself

my wallet had a second badge
this badge....
I brought it for luck
It isnt mine
I want one for myself

I thought it went well



and screw the cycles
I don't want to go back
but today
it feels like I could breathe
a little
just a little

its close to enough

I read them

I've dug out some stuff
I read them
The little pieces of paper
Their gift to me
Their affirmations
and I don't know if this makes things harder
but where are they when you need them now
because I feel like I'm losing track
losing track of myself


I know my parents love me to death
but its really hard to see now
They don't understand
but I don't blame them

I don't want to believe in cycles
I don't want to go back
I don't want to go back

The prefect nomination confuses me further
I was surprised
running through my mind
not here
not now
I hesitated
almost backed out
when I thought about having no regrets

I didn't want it

but I thought deeper
maybe
maybe this would be my break
maybe this would be something for me to hold on to
maybe this would be an affirmation
maybe I need this

Tired

I wanted that vacation to be enough

I've got to think this through
I've got to think this through

I think I'm lost again

Should I keep telling myself I'm okay
I haven't decided
but maybe someone else should
I don't know
I've got to think this through

I don't want to believe in cycles
I don't

But you're so funny
Waking me up
I understand


Oh my world returned to normal
It was painful

It really hurt
It really hurt
It really hurt

but I'm tired of picking myself up
so tired

I have to say this

I know sometimes I just can't help it
sometimes we just can't do much about it
and I have to say this
people change

I know I have

but
please forgive me
if I was in any way...
a rock to you

I felt that I was to many people
many of my friends

I'm sorry
so sorry

I have to apologise
I know it is not easy for you
oh hell
its difficult for all of you
but please
please

I can't really thank you enough if you havent given up on me
I know I can't blame any of you but
I'll stab through my heart and beg of you


please don't
don't ever

Scrubbed

Morning was good
Real good

Though I am exhausted
and still sleep deprived

Ill trade sleep anytime...
anytime

but it wasnt like I had a choice

Feels like my brain
pushed around
pressed upon
scrubbed

"Hi I'm Nuts, what's your name?"

Few hours is all I have before I'm heading back
back to my futile sleep
doesnt work?
oh I'm still sleep deprived
all the way
from all the way


and I think I'm beginning to forget

Million dollar actions
Million dollar reactions
Million dollar expressions

guess it will only drift further away

So this was the vacation

I grabbed myself a paper stash
Crossed it over my heart
Its been written down
Its been worn down
Oh its beauty

----------------------------------------------------------

The world is mine to perceive
Sorry for your judgement
But the line is there
Right there

I will not be affected by what he said
This turns my credit

My vacation
Not my fantasy

I will make my own credit

I will hold on to this
The 19th of August
This I will keep
as well as my promise

The first impressions
No
I will remember the irony

-----------------------------------------------------------

Its interesting
I didn't think I deserve it
Funny how you put it again
The Irony
The Irony

Reflecting on the facts
My actions
I was messed
but they are forcing me
I don't want the response

I'm exhausted
just so exhausted
Can we just leave it at that

-----------------------------------------------------------

I thought I loved you
I hope I still do

I thought I was done with anger
I thought you told me so

but maybe I was just pushed too far
What were you trying to tell me
I know you would never tell
you shouldn't

but were you testing me


I swore I'd try the next day

------------------------------------------------------------

Still thinking about the morning of the 19th
I believe no amount of gratitude would be enough

Could the brink of tears testify
I was so happy
just so happy

I would like to thank you
For making me invincible
I could have hated you
but I'll hold on to my promise

------------------------------------------------------------

Maybe I didn't have to try so hard
Maybe its okay
Maybe I didn't have to care that much

but if you were testing me
I believe I have failed

I'd try redemption

----------------------------------------------------------

Its nice how you did it
Ended as it started

Now I know I've passed
I've beaten what he has said

Thank You
In more ways than one

Now I know
I really don't have to doubt myself
I really don't have to try that hard


So this was the vacation you gave me
Thank You

After Math

Today was the day I would feel the personal effects of what happened yesterday
I was that messed up.
I still can't believe I actually did it
I promised myself that those would leave me a smile

you're killing me
I kinda need that pic

Sleep-deprived didn't help the exhaustion
I hope this gets better

but what he said was really getting to me
crawling under my skin
stealing my soul

He doesnt understand

The irony in the facts
Ill choose them
Maybe people do understand the reverse of the reverse


but I will hold strong because
The world is mine to perceive
sorry for your judgement

Flag

Although I was prepared for it
I never would have guessed

I asked you to wait for me
as I hurried over to the stop
well...
you made me wait

Is gratitude enough?
For the experience this morning
I swear I was on top of my world
I swear I could have cried

but it was just so simple.
hardly believable.
but truly
incredible.

started with puzzled faces staring back
surprised?
well I wasn't

Sorry I lost my number
Can I have yours?

it all began here.

Left my word at the climax
I didnt know it would fade...
I couldnt seem to recover.

untill...

I was on 'we are one tonight'
well... I could have beeen out of my mind but
The first was all I needed
Could have blew my brains out
but I recovered after that.
I guess there is a first time for everything

Oh the excitement
the adrenaline
then came the wave
and the laughter

fun with balloons
I guess I should have been embarassed
Bouncing it around Kino
I was embarassed for them

I almost did something stupid
I hope I never regret not trying anyway.


and then came the second...
this time
it was so much to take
I was not prepared for what I experienced

who am I kidding...
Its nothing personal

but i still can't really believe she was actually blushing

this will be the one that sticks
this could be the one that might go bad


but in the end
after everything
I felt confused
I felt lost

Have I been so wrong about you?
Is it wrong for me to think about you this way?
Have I let you down?
I thought I had the credit
but where is the line?

My vacation
My fantasy?

thought about it
I did
after it all
I finally knew what I would feel

The world is mine to perceive
sorry for your judgement

but the line is there...
right there.

Till where it ends

Eugene...
Wherever you are now.
I hope your soul rests in peace.

I hope your family's doing better...


Well I guess some jokes just aren't funny.



I felt it break.
It was what was holding me all together
When the world returned to normal.
I feel it stop my heart.
For that moment.
I feel like hell.
Peace?
The way it kills me inside.
It was one of the most terrible feelings
It felt so empty
Stripped
Right down to the bone.
Hits me too hard.
I could have cried there.
but Maybe I did.

The alternative drains me but
I needed it so badly
I didnt realise till lately
I seriously don't know what I'd do without it
Your jokes where my motivation
Thank You.

I didn't deserve this
I feel guilty.

Should I be laughter spawn...
Like before

laying there.
was it my fault
guess it must have been.
but I feel it fading
under my skin
can it last?
Please allow me to understand your jokes
I need to


I need a vacation from life
I want someone to kill me and not tell me about it

Funny

I really hope you don't mind
If I think your world's a joke

I hope you dont mind
If I think your funny.

Cause I believe we are lucky
We are golden
We are stolen
In the times that you returned

Showing signs of breaking...
It is alarming
because I really enjoyed this.
I had believed that it wouldn't before.


Its hard.
Looking at my own hands,
particularly my skin reminds me of her.

Chaos

I caught a glimpse of what it would feel like.
I knew I wasnt ready.
This just confirms it.

I should have already forgotten about it.
Unexpectedly shoved right up my head
Wasnt going to go anywhere.
Hard to believe, I shouldnt have.
Pry open my head
Chaos would be found.
It lingers to a point of distraction.

I think I really need a huge laugh.
Right at my own face.
I'll laugh till I cry.

But one thing is for sure...
I'll blame myself.
Its not her fault.

Lighter

I realised how important it was now.
I feel like a side of me was opened
The side that was closed for too long.
Like a buried Treasure.

Lighter it seems.
Maybe all of it was missed.
Temporary?
Permanent?
My best answer is a guess.
but I want the latter.

Wake For Young Souls
Why am I still thinking about her?

Could I

All good things must come to an end ?
I thought it was good.
Ill leave it with me.

I guess I did give up.
But I guess now its too late
If I did go back...
Could I?

Waited till it was too late.
Is it too much to expect?
Can't matter now.
I'd pray forgiveness

Pressed

Like the ticking of a time bomb
Like sowing a seed of destruction
Bearing fruits of blood
It will steal and rob.

A leak.
Unexpectedly was the point of weakness.
Pierced was what I felt.

Stare all I want.
But 2 days.
Its all that I have
Its all that I've got.
The feeling of giving up is strong
I should be stronger
I can be stronger.

Its
Eating my insides