Freed

In the middle portion of this day, I was really not doing good.
Couldn't really focus on my task.
Was just drowned up in my selfish thoughts.
It was troubling me again.

However, at the end of the day... I feel like some heavy load was lifted off my shoulders.
It felt good.
It feels like everything fits abolutely perfectly.
Like a completed jig-saw puzzle,
like a magical antidote has been used.
Everything worked out well...
for me I guess.

It somehow seems that the room with the two doors that I was in... well, actually had a thrid door.
Walking through that one is like a refreshing sense of relief.
Feels like I have gotten so many things off my chest.

After all of it, I think I finally deserve
To be Freed.

Hanging by their thread

I have thought about it quite alot today.
It really hurts when after all those years, after all you have done......
you are lost suddenly.


However, it is soothing to know that there are friends out there who have good listening ears.
The talk I had with Kenneth really helped.
I have gratitude for his deeds.
I have decided to heed their advice.
Even though I'm barely holding together,
I will keep going.

Come What May
I will make the best out of it.

Block

Trying not to think about it anymore.
Keeping my head above water.
It isn't easy but I've tried.

The talk I had over the phone with mathew yesterday did helped.
and I know it isnt only me who finds it hard
I didnt realise I was this weak.

Visitors to keep my mind off track.
Creation... Innovation.
a nice chair for what its worth.


but maybe... I should be thinking about it.
I know everybody has the right to work for what they want.
I lost that right when I was lost and torn...
I didnt know what I want.


I'll see what happens

Torn

This day.
Was incredibly significant.

For one... I found out that 2 more sec 3s from ncc land are marching in the Guard Of Honour contingent.
I know I feel selfish. But I really did not want them to.

Ever since my secondary school life began in SJI.
My passion was in ncc land.
I gave everything I could to ncc land.
It was everything to me in my sec school life.
and it still is.

You can say that its all that I've got.
I would.

My only compensation for that matter was being one of the 2 sec 3s marching in the G.O.H contingent.

but that was taken away.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Today I realised something.
Changed my feelings.
Truly

When I arrived home.
Before I took my shower in the bathroom...
I stood there and I cried.

I cried.

It was clearly evident to me.
The great importance of a sec 4 trainer.
But what was clearer to me was who was undoubtedly the best for that post............
me.
Thats what I truly believe.
and from the honest opinions of those around me......

crystal.


The post I really want to uphold...... is not of that sort.
I want to be able to assist the csm in other matters of training.

I cried. because the sec4 trainer post was the post I have always dreaded.
I could never have imagined...
Now I'm Torn
I do not know what I want anymore.

I feel like the company needs me.

To think of all the effort I have put into my passion...
do I have the right to be this selfish?
do I have the right to get what I want?

The answers are cold.
Freezing...

I don't know anymore.



-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hello my friend,
we meet again
It's been awhile,
where should we begin?
Feels like forever

Within my heart are memories
Of perfect love that you gave to me
Oh, I remember

When you are with me,
I'm free
I'm careless,
I believe
Above all the others we'll fly
This brings tears to my eyes
My sacrifice

We've seen our share of ups and downs
Oh how quickly life can turn around
In an instant
It feels so good to reunite
Within yourself and within your mind
Let's find peace there

When you are with me,
I'm free
I'm careless,
I believe
Above all the others we'll fly
This brings tears to my eyes
My sacrifice

I just want to say hello again
I just want to say hello again

When you are with me
I'm free
I'm careless,
I believe
Above all the others we'll fly
This brings tears to my eyes

Cause when you are with me
I am free
I'm careless,
I believe
Above all the others we'll fly
This brings tears to my eyes
My sacrifice,
My sacrifice

I just want to say hello again
I just want to say hello again

My sacrifice

Creed: My Sacrifice

Cold

Why?

I know I have let so many down today.
I have done so many people wrong
Could I have helped it?
yes I could.
Would I?
I dont know
If I have found myself why does this feel wrong?

--------------------------------------------------------------

Thiru said something to me today.
Imbecellic comment.
Truly...

How could I let what was felt linger?
I knew I would forgive and forget for none the intentions
I didnt
Could I?
Will I?

For the first time in a very long time...

I Dont Want To.

Return The Found

It seems that I am trudging on the threshold of uncertainty once again .

One door is closed.

I've walked through the other.
Before me lies the same:
two doors.

and I'm here, staring at another 2 doors again, feeling the same things I felt before.

I would enjoy the uncertainty like I did before.
I didn't want to know the results then.
There was still Fool's hope.

I don't know if I do now.

____________________________________________________


Today was a bad for me... I am truly thankful that I made it through.

A shadow...
Could say the same for what its worth.
Hadn't it been for the real.

Found The Real

I've been going through some changes... and the roses had to fall off the bed in my life.
I once felt that I knew myself, understood me more than anything. It felt good.
But when I took a step back... and thought about it... I knew things could not stay the same.
Throughout this period... I truly felt something in me die... but I guess I wouldn't have it any other way.
I know I have changed.




Yesterday the information of prize winners were out.
Well, when I found out a week before that it would be between me and Thiaghu...
I knew then and there what yesterday's result was going to be.
Before yesterday, many came to me and asked if I would be the Company Sergeant Major.
Well, I told them that it was incredibly unlikely, that the odds were off the charts.
I could say it out to them to their face. I could tell them. But deep inside, I didn't believe myself, I couldn't belive what I had told them.
Sometimes I believe that he would be the better csm. but I still wanted it badly. I told Thiaghu about this and asked him if he thought that I was selfish... he told me that I wasn't, and that it was normal.
Yesterday morning before assembly, Thaghu and me walked to the board together and checked the award winners list.
It was no suprise.
There was a smile on my face and I congratulated him... deep down I knew they have made the right decision.
I knew I should be truly happy but It's really hard when you're this close.
I guess getting a plaque for winning the lassalian cadet award and being able to march in the Guard Of Honour contingent was a reasonable conpensation. Unlike some of the other UGs where 7 or ten plus sec 3s get to march in the GOH contingent... there are only 2 sec 3s for NCC land.
My dad talked to me about this whole thing... and well, I guess this is all good in growing up. Though my parents and some of my close friends were disappointed, I know that I should not be driven by anybody's expectations anymore, for the simple reason that there is no limit to people's expectations.

I know I have to move on...
I will
No matter how difficult