2006
This Year
Has been the best year of my entire life
I mean it with more sincerity than I'd believe
I have changed so much
and I'm so sure that its for the better
So I'm breaking out for once, just to take a look at it all.
for everything
---------------------------------------------------------
I was in an entirely new class this year, with few familiar faces around. The people were mainly very different from those i was used to mix around with. They were more focused on their studies, and not so outgoing or playful. so I feel that suddenly Im no longer just in the crowd, or fading away. I feel that I make alot of difference in this new class, I was somebody.
but To my sweet surprise... I was doing so much better academically in this class than ever before. I was never second in class before, and to imagine that this class was academically superior to my previous class.
this was the year which I would assume and take over leadership positions in my CCA.
SJI NCC LAND
this is something very important to me, because I believe I made it so. I hold great pride in being in this CCA, I always did. Ever since the first training. the very first one. I had given everything I could for SJI NCC LAND. so naturally my posting of leadership role in my CCA would definitely mean a hell lot to me. I worked towards becoming the Company Seargent Major ever since the first training this year. I gave so much, and tried so hard.
finally I was told that it was either me or Thiaghu. I believe that he is more capable than me in more ways than the reverse but I didnt care, I still wanted it very badly. Thiaghu told me that it is normal to be this selfish.
so congrats Thiaghu, you beat me to it. I had expected this, but was happy to just hold on to that tiny shred of hope out of selfishness I was quite sad but I knew it was ok Learn.
Accept it. I've tried my best, so move on
I cried this year too
because I knew I would be the best candidate for a certain leadership role but I had always hated it. I didn't know what to do. I didnt know what I wanted anymore. To think about all the times I've been in SJI NCC LAND, and finally being lost. After enduring everything and giving so much… its like I don’t know what for anymore.
but that finally worked out in the end strange, but it actually did.
I laughed at my tears then
I fell ill, and missed AP, after so much preparation and after it all.
I missed it.
I laughed and I laughed
I had always complained that i would have to march in the Annual parade for all 4 years.
and off I was to National Camp.
There were so many people from so many different backgrounds and personalities.
I interacted with them and made new friends
I guess this was where I stopped being a fucking snob, an arrogant punk. I looked at the good in people, and for once, not the bad. I learned to be so much more open with people and simply just to be frank with others.
to be myself and not be afraid
It was here that I started accepting people for who they are, instead of wanting them to change who they are just because I wanted them to. and in fact now i look at it and think 'everyone is perfect'. I mean their flaws make them perfect. Its their flaws that make a part of who they are. Perfection is a flaw to me. Ive learned to like people and to acknowledge that they are who they are.
so i couldnt study for term 3 assessments. and after all the expectations and everything, I didn't perform.
so after all the stress, expectations and everything about my posting in SJI NCC LAND settled and over, with the end of term 3, I felt so relieved. For all the shit I've been through and drinking all that mud. I was absolutely happy for one, after being through it all. so on Flag day, I wanted to search for that excitement and fun. Do something real nuts. I actually did something I would never have done at all. I went asking stranger's for their number.
I'm smiling now.
and strangely I always wanted to be a prefect in lower secondary. Chance never came. But when I was in sec 3, I totally didn’t want it, much less even think about it. You see to me, wearing that badge and that tie means nothing, unless you make it so. I mean u can like be a prefect, a model student without the damn tie and badge. O well, I guess life invented humour anyway. But I got nominated to be a prefect in sec 3. seriously was troubled by a lot of things already and I almost backed out. See the only reason I went for the interview and wanted to be a prefect in the end was because it looks good on paper.
but I couldn't figure out. the world was kind of a blur to me. who am I? I didn't know. because I knew how to be more open and to be myself. but in doing so I was afraid that I couldn't be what others might want me to be, their ACSM. I kept on thinking and pondering about the whole damn issue. I was thinking alot about so many things, rethinking and challenging what i thought I knew. I was confused and this was probably one of those times when my world seem shrouded with uncertainty
until I had a talk about life with my good ol' dad. i realised that what he thought about life was very very similar to mine. and it wasnt like he thought me something new or anything. but he sure made what i was beginning to believe in concrete, and solid for me to hold on to.
it was amazing
and I never thought much about it but it was more of an affirmation than anything else really.
to think I had the same perception as a nearly 50 year old guy.
yea and I only came up with these ideas this year
I had finally seen what I should, and to wake up, to realise life. To understand and break out, be myself, out of this and defeat my identity crisis. To know who I am and what life is to me.
Finally it felt so good
and then to make it real easy to hold on to, I came up with my own motto in life The world is my joke to perceive, with lines and truth
The world is a joke. looking at this line, one might be inclined to believe of the pessimism in its meaning. well, ironically if you can understand and look through its fragile surface, you will learn that it is actually quite the opposite. See what is very important in life is to accept and come to terms with things. To look at the bright side of things, to find humour and joy in the world no matter what fate might bestow upon you. To laugh, and move on.
and this is my world to perceive. It is my life. I will be who I want to be. I dont have to be what others want me to be. Im not going to put up a front in front of people. I dont owe them a fucking living, why should I. I'm going to work my ass off, and my very best to be who I want to be in my life. I'll just be myself without fearing what others might believe. because this is my life, and besides... I'm not going to live it the way others want me to. Im going to live it the way I want to. Like I told myself. I wanted to do well in my exams. So I worked very hard for it. I mean because this is where I take responsibility in my own life for what I want
and if so, I can do whatever I want in my life. I can always take drugs, drop out of school, go to jail and waste away. because this is my life. but not to forget. what I do doesn't only affect me, it affects the people around and close to me. My friends, my family. Whom I love. So you see, there are always boundaries you cannot cross.
Lines
Finally, there is something truly amazing about everyone of us. In everyone of us. Something incredible deep down inside that tells us what is right , and what is wrong.
Conscience
and it is very beautiful. So I believe we should always use Truth in whatever we do. No lies, no nothing. How? listen to our conscience and you'll never have to hide anything. You can use truth in everything. So simple and good. Just to rely on truth no matter what, because you know that you have not done anything really wrong.
The world is my joke to perceive, with lines and truth.
I'm going to try with everything I am and have to hold on to this.
So the worlds much clearer to me now
I was able to face anything at all.
Without fear.
and out-grown computer games. really. I used to be obsessed with computer games. After term 3... all that SJI NCC LAND stuff and all, learning about so many things. ive finally realised that there is so bloody hell much more than the fucking moving pixels in the screen. I can stop playing with ease now, if I have to. Like the fact that my parents are so liberal with me, not stopping me from playing computer games even during exam periods really did help. I mean even though I could, I didnt
why?
well, simply because I knew I wanted to do well in my exams, and I acknowledged the fact that the games would definitely hinder my ability to study. So I stopped playing and studied hard. Now, the exams are over and stuff, I only play when im really bored.
i find that I really enjoy talking to my friends rather than playing. and Ive grown to hate msn. i really would prefer meeting and talking in person. but it seems sometimes I hardly have a choice. but still, at least chatting over msn is much better than mindlessly subjecting ur brain to game stuff.
And I believe Ive grown in spirituality this year more than all the years Ive lived. Last year… something very and truly frightening happened to me Something I’d rather not discuss, but I guess im okay with it now. And its not bullshit, Im totally serious, its real.
One night, as I was closing my eyes sleeping on my bed… suddenly, to my horror, I actually felt an arm grabbing mine. I can feel some sort of presence in the room, like a some force, and it was making me uncomfortable, but not as much as the hand making me totally freak. But heres the thing, I was totally aware of everything but I couldn’t wake up, I couldn’t open my eyes.
No, im not kidding.
So I tried with all the might I could muster, and I used every ounce of energy in me to fight it, and finally I woke up from this whole incident. I managed to open my eyes and the room was so dark I couldn’t see anything, but those bizarre feelings disappeared
The next night, see what happened was that I was still totally fucking scared about everything. But when I tried sleeping, I suddenly felt very uncomfortable, sort of the same feeling, but it was not as terrible. Being terrified, I opened my eyes and I saw this black silhouette for an instant. It was of somebody standing beside my bed
Cant see clearly, but that’s all I remember
Oh damn, you could never have imagined how fucking shocked I was.
I screamed man
No seriously, scared the shit out of me
So this was something that happened to me like last year.
I had never believed in God before these incidents But its now like, how can God be dead if I show you the devil or something like that
So I began to believe and started praying
And stuff like that has happened like I don’t know… around 4 times or so. So anyway, what happened this year was much worse than anything
I was sleeping soundly again.. and was dreaming about something.
Cant remember.
But suddenly felt uncomfortable again, like a presence could be felt in the room, like some kind of force or something
Then I think I heard some low wierd voice say like 2 words in some crap language or whatever. I was still dreaming
And I could feel the collar of my shirt flapping, that’s the scariest part. I was very uncomfortable… and I could not wake up. I was still dreaming Until. I felt a force pressing down against my body, hell its damn uncomfortable.
And it was powerful.
I tried very very hard to break free and wake up Wow, it was really difficult. I actually almost gave up, until I tried my absolute best and gave every damn thing I got. I shouted out as I was really fighting very hard… and finally woke up.
But it was after this incident that I began to think and think. and now I believe in a greater god. One god that is responsible for anything and everything we cant control and more. He is very mysterious indeed and has his purpose for making stuff happen and such. He is so great that whatever happens is happening because he wants it to. I dont believe in coincidences. Everything according to his will. I mean he doesn’t need anything from us, he can’t be offended by us. We cant do him wrong or anything. And according to this, I believe everything is God. Including the devil and evil. Because ironically, after those weird stuff happened to me, Ive grown like closer to God. Those incidents helped me come to this conclusion So in the end, he has his reasons for everything. Like I mean he let me see those demons for a reason. From the bad i know what is good. So in that way even evil is good, even evil is God. Thats what I believe in strongly, like the fact that God is love. After everything he is, he is love. So there was a period of time where I didnt really like pray or anything. And the fact that he knows everything. Everything .Because anything I wanted to say to him, I would just say it. Or otherwise not even speak, because I acknowledge his greatness in understanding everything. and after thinking deeper and deeper, I've realised that actually we do all those religious stuff not because we need to thank him, or to like beg him for forgiveness. I believe he doesnt need our gratitude. However, I see it as we still do those things because we WANT to. In love of him we will still thank him. So in this way, the meaning of religion will be stronger, and the purpose of ultimately undertsanding is greater.
In this light, I see that whatever pain or hardship bestowed upon us, is an opportunity for us to overcome it and to learn and grow in life. That is part of my belief that nothing in this world is bad. Not even the devil. Because there is a reason for the bad, which is for the good. Like the fact of seeing God's will in everything, changing what is horrible into something wonderful, is truly beautiful. and facing difficulty to allow us to grow as people. Thats what i see in life.
and it is truly amazing that Ive only thought about this this year. and i thank God for the fact of letting me grow up. Putting me through hard times of questioning and over thinking. and now my eyes are truly open to alot of things. I can feel the fact that next year is gonna be a whole lot worse than this year. my Os and stuff. So Im really glad that ive sort of woken up in time. To learn to taste the sweetness in bitterness in time. In fact, I went for thanksgiving mass at the end of the school year to sort of thank him formally. Even though I believe that he doesnt need our gratitude. Well, lets just say i really wanted to.
This isnt some sort of crazy ranting of a nearly 15 year old kid who thinks he knows everything, because i know that there is so many things I have yet to learn, have yet to experience, to understand and appreciate. In fact, I believe that life never ever gets any simpler. As in if i look at it now, the only damn things i have to worry about is my academic performance, and my relationship with friends and family. Later itll be much worse because there will be like work politics, marriage and all that which is definitely gonna be a hell lot more complicated than what Im going through now.
So this is just my form of saying hey, im not ready for everything, but im just excited and loving the fact that so many challenges are going to come my way in the future, so that I can experience it and grow. because now im no longer afraid, as I believe everything is in fact good, no matter what. because we should believe so. everything is good, everything is God.
and Im no longer afraid if any of those funny things happen to me again. Because I see God in the devil. and if they happen again, I believe that its Gods way of testing me. How well I can hold on to my beliefs. Not to falter and fall, break everything just because of a little scare. To still be able to see him and his love in the face of the devil.
So the only reason Im writing all this is because I find it so overwhelming. the way I see things so differently now. It is truly incredible. What I have grown to learn.
So Thank You for reading this
It really means alot to me that Im able to share
Has been the best year of my entire life
I mean it with more sincerity than I'd believe
I have changed so much
and I'm so sure that its for the better
So I'm breaking out for once, just to take a look at it all.
for everything
---------------------------------------------------------
I was in an entirely new class this year, with few familiar faces around. The people were mainly very different from those i was used to mix around with. They were more focused on their studies, and not so outgoing or playful. so I feel that suddenly Im no longer just in the crowd, or fading away. I feel that I make alot of difference in this new class, I was somebody.
but To my sweet surprise... I was doing so much better academically in this class than ever before. I was never second in class before, and to imagine that this class was academically superior to my previous class.
this was the year which I would assume and take over leadership positions in my CCA.
SJI NCC LAND
this is something very important to me, because I believe I made it so. I hold great pride in being in this CCA, I always did. Ever since the first training. the very first one. I had given everything I could for SJI NCC LAND. so naturally my posting of leadership role in my CCA would definitely mean a hell lot to me. I worked towards becoming the Company Seargent Major ever since the first training this year. I gave so much, and tried so hard.
finally I was told that it was either me or Thiaghu. I believe that he is more capable than me in more ways than the reverse but I didnt care, I still wanted it very badly. Thiaghu told me that it is normal to be this selfish.
so congrats Thiaghu, you beat me to it. I had expected this, but was happy to just hold on to that tiny shred of hope out of selfishness I was quite sad but I knew it was ok Learn.
Accept it. I've tried my best, so move on
I cried this year too
because I knew I would be the best candidate for a certain leadership role but I had always hated it. I didn't know what to do. I didnt know what I wanted anymore. To think about all the times I've been in SJI NCC LAND, and finally being lost. After enduring everything and giving so much… its like I don’t know what for anymore.
but that finally worked out in the end strange, but it actually did.
I laughed at my tears then
I fell ill, and missed AP, after so much preparation and after it all.
I missed it.
I laughed and I laughed
I had always complained that i would have to march in the Annual parade for all 4 years.
and off I was to National Camp.
There were so many people from so many different backgrounds and personalities.
I interacted with them and made new friends
I guess this was where I stopped being a fucking snob, an arrogant punk. I looked at the good in people, and for once, not the bad. I learned to be so much more open with people and simply just to be frank with others.
to be myself and not be afraid
It was here that I started accepting people for who they are, instead of wanting them to change who they are just because I wanted them to. and in fact now i look at it and think 'everyone is perfect'. I mean their flaws make them perfect. Its their flaws that make a part of who they are. Perfection is a flaw to me. Ive learned to like people and to acknowledge that they are who they are.
so i couldnt study for term 3 assessments. and after all the expectations and everything, I didn't perform.
so after all the stress, expectations and everything about my posting in SJI NCC LAND settled and over, with the end of term 3, I felt so relieved. For all the shit I've been through and drinking all that mud. I was absolutely happy for one, after being through it all. so on Flag day, I wanted to search for that excitement and fun. Do something real nuts. I actually did something I would never have done at all. I went asking stranger's for their number.
I'm smiling now.
and strangely I always wanted to be a prefect in lower secondary. Chance never came. But when I was in sec 3, I totally didn’t want it, much less even think about it. You see to me, wearing that badge and that tie means nothing, unless you make it so. I mean u can like be a prefect, a model student without the damn tie and badge. O well, I guess life invented humour anyway. But I got nominated to be a prefect in sec 3. seriously was troubled by a lot of things already and I almost backed out. See the only reason I went for the interview and wanted to be a prefect in the end was because it looks good on paper.
but I couldn't figure out. the world was kind of a blur to me. who am I? I didn't know. because I knew how to be more open and to be myself. but in doing so I was afraid that I couldn't be what others might want me to be, their ACSM. I kept on thinking and pondering about the whole damn issue. I was thinking alot about so many things, rethinking and challenging what i thought I knew. I was confused and this was probably one of those times when my world seem shrouded with uncertainty
until I had a talk about life with my good ol' dad. i realised that what he thought about life was very very similar to mine. and it wasnt like he thought me something new or anything. but he sure made what i was beginning to believe in concrete, and solid for me to hold on to.
it was amazing
and I never thought much about it but it was more of an affirmation than anything else really.
to think I had the same perception as a nearly 50 year old guy.
yea and I only came up with these ideas this year
I had finally seen what I should, and to wake up, to realise life. To understand and break out, be myself, out of this and defeat my identity crisis. To know who I am and what life is to me.
Finally it felt so good
and then to make it real easy to hold on to, I came up with my own motto in life The world is my joke to perceive, with lines and truth
The world is a joke. looking at this line, one might be inclined to believe of the pessimism in its meaning. well, ironically if you can understand and look through its fragile surface, you will learn that it is actually quite the opposite. See what is very important in life is to accept and come to terms with things. To look at the bright side of things, to find humour and joy in the world no matter what fate might bestow upon you. To laugh, and move on.
and this is my world to perceive. It is my life. I will be who I want to be. I dont have to be what others want me to be. Im not going to put up a front in front of people. I dont owe them a fucking living, why should I. I'm going to work my ass off, and my very best to be who I want to be in my life. I'll just be myself without fearing what others might believe. because this is my life, and besides... I'm not going to live it the way others want me to. Im going to live it the way I want to. Like I told myself. I wanted to do well in my exams. So I worked very hard for it. I mean because this is where I take responsibility in my own life for what I want
and if so, I can do whatever I want in my life. I can always take drugs, drop out of school, go to jail and waste away. because this is my life. but not to forget. what I do doesn't only affect me, it affects the people around and close to me. My friends, my family. Whom I love. So you see, there are always boundaries you cannot cross.
Lines
Finally, there is something truly amazing about everyone of us. In everyone of us. Something incredible deep down inside that tells us what is right , and what is wrong.
Conscience
and it is very beautiful. So I believe we should always use Truth in whatever we do. No lies, no nothing. How? listen to our conscience and you'll never have to hide anything. You can use truth in everything. So simple and good. Just to rely on truth no matter what, because you know that you have not done anything really wrong.
The world is my joke to perceive, with lines and truth.
I'm going to try with everything I am and have to hold on to this.
So the worlds much clearer to me now
I was able to face anything at all.
Without fear.
and out-grown computer games. really. I used to be obsessed with computer games. After term 3... all that SJI NCC LAND stuff and all, learning about so many things. ive finally realised that there is so bloody hell much more than the fucking moving pixels in the screen. I can stop playing with ease now, if I have to. Like the fact that my parents are so liberal with me, not stopping me from playing computer games even during exam periods really did help. I mean even though I could, I didnt
why?
well, simply because I knew I wanted to do well in my exams, and I acknowledged the fact that the games would definitely hinder my ability to study. So I stopped playing and studied hard. Now, the exams are over and stuff, I only play when im really bored.
i find that I really enjoy talking to my friends rather than playing. and Ive grown to hate msn. i really would prefer meeting and talking in person. but it seems sometimes I hardly have a choice. but still, at least chatting over msn is much better than mindlessly subjecting ur brain to game stuff.
And I believe Ive grown in spirituality this year more than all the years Ive lived. Last year… something very and truly frightening happened to me Something I’d rather not discuss, but I guess im okay with it now. And its not bullshit, Im totally serious, its real.
One night, as I was closing my eyes sleeping on my bed… suddenly, to my horror, I actually felt an arm grabbing mine. I can feel some sort of presence in the room, like a some force, and it was making me uncomfortable, but not as much as the hand making me totally freak. But heres the thing, I was totally aware of everything but I couldn’t wake up, I couldn’t open my eyes.
No, im not kidding.
So I tried with all the might I could muster, and I used every ounce of energy in me to fight it, and finally I woke up from this whole incident. I managed to open my eyes and the room was so dark I couldn’t see anything, but those bizarre feelings disappeared
The next night, see what happened was that I was still totally fucking scared about everything. But when I tried sleeping, I suddenly felt very uncomfortable, sort of the same feeling, but it was not as terrible. Being terrified, I opened my eyes and I saw this black silhouette for an instant. It was of somebody standing beside my bed
Cant see clearly, but that’s all I remember
Oh damn, you could never have imagined how fucking shocked I was.
I screamed man
No seriously, scared the shit out of me
So this was something that happened to me like last year.
I had never believed in God before these incidents But its now like, how can God be dead if I show you the devil or something like that
So I began to believe and started praying
And stuff like that has happened like I don’t know… around 4 times or so. So anyway, what happened this year was much worse than anything
I was sleeping soundly again.. and was dreaming about something.
Cant remember.
But suddenly felt uncomfortable again, like a presence could be felt in the room, like some kind of force or something
Then I think I heard some low wierd voice say like 2 words in some crap language or whatever. I was still dreaming
And I could feel the collar of my shirt flapping, that’s the scariest part. I was very uncomfortable… and I could not wake up. I was still dreaming Until. I felt a force pressing down against my body, hell its damn uncomfortable.
And it was powerful.
I tried very very hard to break free and wake up Wow, it was really difficult. I actually almost gave up, until I tried my absolute best and gave every damn thing I got. I shouted out as I was really fighting very hard… and finally woke up.
But it was after this incident that I began to think and think. and now I believe in a greater god. One god that is responsible for anything and everything we cant control and more. He is very mysterious indeed and has his purpose for making stuff happen and such. He is so great that whatever happens is happening because he wants it to. I dont believe in coincidences. Everything according to his will. I mean he doesn’t need anything from us, he can’t be offended by us. We cant do him wrong or anything. And according to this, I believe everything is God. Including the devil and evil. Because ironically, after those weird stuff happened to me, Ive grown like closer to God. Those incidents helped me come to this conclusion So in the end, he has his reasons for everything. Like I mean he let me see those demons for a reason. From the bad i know what is good. So in that way even evil is good, even evil is God. Thats what I believe in strongly, like the fact that God is love. After everything he is, he is love. So there was a period of time where I didnt really like pray or anything. And the fact that he knows everything. Everything .Because anything I wanted to say to him, I would just say it. Or otherwise not even speak, because I acknowledge his greatness in understanding everything. and after thinking deeper and deeper, I've realised that actually we do all those religious stuff not because we need to thank him, or to like beg him for forgiveness. I believe he doesnt need our gratitude. However, I see it as we still do those things because we WANT to. In love of him we will still thank him. So in this way, the meaning of religion will be stronger, and the purpose of ultimately undertsanding is greater.
In this light, I see that whatever pain or hardship bestowed upon us, is an opportunity for us to overcome it and to learn and grow in life. That is part of my belief that nothing in this world is bad. Not even the devil. Because there is a reason for the bad, which is for the good. Like the fact of seeing God's will in everything, changing what is horrible into something wonderful, is truly beautiful. and facing difficulty to allow us to grow as people. Thats what i see in life.
and it is truly amazing that Ive only thought about this this year. and i thank God for the fact of letting me grow up. Putting me through hard times of questioning and over thinking. and now my eyes are truly open to alot of things. I can feel the fact that next year is gonna be a whole lot worse than this year. my Os and stuff. So Im really glad that ive sort of woken up in time. To learn to taste the sweetness in bitterness in time. In fact, I went for thanksgiving mass at the end of the school year to sort of thank him formally. Even though I believe that he doesnt need our gratitude. Well, lets just say i really wanted to.
This isnt some sort of crazy ranting of a nearly 15 year old kid who thinks he knows everything, because i know that there is so many things I have yet to learn, have yet to experience, to understand and appreciate. In fact, I believe that life never ever gets any simpler. As in if i look at it now, the only damn things i have to worry about is my academic performance, and my relationship with friends and family. Later itll be much worse because there will be like work politics, marriage and all that which is definitely gonna be a hell lot more complicated than what Im going through now.
So this is just my form of saying hey, im not ready for everything, but im just excited and loving the fact that so many challenges are going to come my way in the future, so that I can experience it and grow. because now im no longer afraid, as I believe everything is in fact good, no matter what. because we should believe so. everything is good, everything is God.
and Im no longer afraid if any of those funny things happen to me again. Because I see God in the devil. and if they happen again, I believe that its Gods way of testing me. How well I can hold on to my beliefs. Not to falter and fall, break everything just because of a little scare. To still be able to see him and his love in the face of the devil.
So the only reason Im writing all this is because I find it so overwhelming. the way I see things so differently now. It is truly incredible. What I have grown to learn.
So Thank You for reading this
It really means alot to me that Im able to share
posted by Lim at 12:04 AM
0 comments
